I've been asking myself, a lot, why bad things happen to good people. For real. I know that Harold Kushner, an American Rabbi, wrote the book on it following the death of his son (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harold_Kushner) and I know that while it may not have all the answers, at least it might have some suggestions. But...I still struggle. And it's like Siobhan, my cousin, and I were discussing the other night---God can handle us being pissed off at him. I think Father Van would have to agree. And it's also like I said the other night...I think that's one of the reasons why I started going back to church. I've made big mistakes---huge, life-altering mistakes---and little ones, but God keeps forgiving me. I know I should take comfort in that fact, but....I struggle. Big time. Especially....cancer. First my mom. Then Mindi's little boy, Gregory. And now...
My younger cousin, Bret, is going to have surgery today. Bret is one of the most amazing guys I know. He's brilliant. Funny. Gifted. Talented. An amazing musician. And there's a chance he may have cancer. I hate it. I hate that there are truly awful human beings in this world who never have to deal with something like Bret is dealing with. It makes me want to scream.
So. I'm going to have to take comfort in the fact that God is going to take care of Bret and the rest of my family. But it doesn't mean I have to like it. Not even a little.... Does it mean I'm not going to pray? Of course not. It means I'm going to pray more...and for those of you who read this, I'm enlisting your prayers as well.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
An Ode to Food
Let me start this off by explaining...I've been on a hardcore training diet since....oh, December 29th was my last official "cheat meal" during the off season. I remember it fondly---sushi at sushi.com, where Erik, Eric, and Jackie didn't make fun of me devouring the tempura off the plate, followed by Ben and Jerry's with Eric. The largest serving they offer. Three different flavors, probably each with some form of chocolate and peanut butter. That was the last time I've had ice cream. By the time I finally have another bite, it will have been six months. Wow. And the same with alcohol....lest you think I'm a closet binge-drinker...I enjoy wine. I'm not a connoisseur of wine by any stretch of the imagination, but I am definitely partial to white wines (and yes, you chill whites ;) you know who you are....) and after some of the stress I've endured over the past few months, a glass or two of pinot grigio at the end of the day would have come in handy....but I made do with scrambled egg whites and a string of profanity. Actually, more than just a string....sorry, God. I'm not perfect. :)
So...this is a combination of food memories and thank you's. Prepare to be entertained.
Mom and Dad---thanks for enduring the first few cheats with me. Red Robin, where you watched me inhale burgers and two baskets of fries. Bet you didn't think you'd ever see me eat that much. There were some tears, too, one of the first times, unrelated to the food. But...life is so much better now, and will be even better when I can have another burger. ;) And...there was an all you can eat pancake night with you, Mom, and some tears there, too. Again, not related to the food. Phew. ;) Homemade burgers and fries, and Domini's too, right? I think there was a Domini's night in there....oh! Thanksgiving was incredible, and I ate so much I had to sleep propped up on like, 5 pillows. And Christmas...my first bite of crab cakes, and I made them from scratch. Very tasty! Oh....and plenty of sugar cookies, and some other miscellaneous Christmas treats that I definitely need recipes for next year....
As for the rest of the meals...oh, wow. Lots of sushi, Ben and Jerry's, and heavenly Rocky Rococo a handful of times...followed by more ice cream. Mmmm...Baskin Robbins one time. And my favorite (of course) was either the homemade fajitas or the Thai Peanut Chicken and chocolate chip cookie dough, where the sugar that was at the house had been there so long that it smelled like...feet. Hee hee. Not mine! I mean, the sugar wasn't mine. I knew better, so I brought the baking supplies. We're lucky there was any dough left for the cookies, because...well, we all know that chocolate chip cookie dough is soooo much better than the actual cookies! Oh my...and I can't forget Ron's Drive-In, home of the bag of burgers (yay for force-feeding) and fries and milk shakes, followed by Ugly Christmas Sweater shopping. That was a great night. :)
Hmmm...I could probably write about this all night. Kind of embarrassing. But I will say that I'm looking forward to the Giordano's pizza Mom, Eric, and I will be enjoying on Eric's 27th birthday. Check out the pictures of the stuffed pizza: http://www.giordanos.com/stuffed.php
Are you kidding me? My mouth is watering just looking at it. Holy smokes. My vote is Hawaiian Delight. Um, yeah! Delight in my MOUTH! When I get back to Spokane....Rocky Rococo and the Rococo Chicago with 4 Italian Cheeses, Italian Sausage and Diced Tomatoes. Don't judge. Like you've never fallen in love with food...or memorized a menu. Or considered cooking magazines, cookbooks, and Food Network to be your fantasy land...
And...some other things that top my list...
1. Pancakes at Kalico Kitchen on a Sunday morning with the paper, some coffee, and my friends.
2. Sushi at sushi.com.
3. A big group of friends at Shogun for hibachi and sushi. Mmmmm...oh, and some drinks. ;)
4. Some home cooked meals from my favorite chef. Maybe followed with...a Hershey's dark chocolate bar from the freezer?
5. Barbecue ANYTHING. With s'mores. And peanut butter.
6. DEFINITELY a pb and j sandwich with crunchy peanut butter.
7. Did I say peanut butter? Oh yeah....lots and lots of peanut butter.
Good thing I plan on doing the Spokane Half-Marathon in October....otherwise, next year I'd be competing as a heavyweight. So...it's safe to say that this topic? Food? Probably going to come up again...in about 12 hours. ;)
So...this is a combination of food memories and thank you's. Prepare to be entertained.
Mom and Dad---thanks for enduring the first few cheats with me. Red Robin, where you watched me inhale burgers and two baskets of fries. Bet you didn't think you'd ever see me eat that much. There were some tears, too, one of the first times, unrelated to the food. But...life is so much better now, and will be even better when I can have another burger. ;) And...there was an all you can eat pancake night with you, Mom, and some tears there, too. Again, not related to the food. Phew. ;) Homemade burgers and fries, and Domini's too, right? I think there was a Domini's night in there....oh! Thanksgiving was incredible, and I ate so much I had to sleep propped up on like, 5 pillows. And Christmas...my first bite of crab cakes, and I made them from scratch. Very tasty! Oh....and plenty of sugar cookies, and some other miscellaneous Christmas treats that I definitely need recipes for next year....
As for the rest of the meals...oh, wow. Lots of sushi, Ben and Jerry's, and heavenly Rocky Rococo a handful of times...followed by more ice cream. Mmmm...Baskin Robbins one time. And my favorite (of course) was either the homemade fajitas or the Thai Peanut Chicken and chocolate chip cookie dough, where the sugar that was at the house had been there so long that it smelled like...feet. Hee hee. Not mine! I mean, the sugar wasn't mine. I knew better, so I brought the baking supplies. We're lucky there was any dough left for the cookies, because...well, we all know that chocolate chip cookie dough is soooo much better than the actual cookies! Oh my...and I can't forget Ron's Drive-In, home of the bag of burgers (yay for force-feeding) and fries and milk shakes, followed by Ugly Christmas Sweater shopping. That was a great night. :)
Hmmm...I could probably write about this all night. Kind of embarrassing. But I will say that I'm looking forward to the Giordano's pizza Mom, Eric, and I will be enjoying on Eric's 27th birthday. Check out the pictures of the stuffed pizza: http://www.giordanos.com/stuffed.php
Are you kidding me? My mouth is watering just looking at it. Holy smokes. My vote is Hawaiian Delight. Um, yeah! Delight in my MOUTH! When I get back to Spokane....Rocky Rococo and the Rococo Chicago with 4 Italian Cheeses, Italian Sausage and Diced Tomatoes. Don't judge. Like you've never fallen in love with food...or memorized a menu. Or considered cooking magazines, cookbooks, and Food Network to be your fantasy land...
And...some other things that top my list...
1. Pancakes at Kalico Kitchen on a Sunday morning with the paper, some coffee, and my friends.
2. Sushi at sushi.com.
3. A big group of friends at Shogun for hibachi and sushi. Mmmmm...oh, and some drinks. ;)
4. Some home cooked meals from my favorite chef. Maybe followed with...a Hershey's dark chocolate bar from the freezer?
5. Barbecue ANYTHING. With s'mores. And peanut butter.
6. DEFINITELY a pb and j sandwich with crunchy peanut butter.
7. Did I say peanut butter? Oh yeah....lots and lots of peanut butter.
Good thing I plan on doing the Spokane Half-Marathon in October....otherwise, next year I'd be competing as a heavyweight. So...it's safe to say that this topic? Food? Probably going to come up again...in about 12 hours. ;)
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Wisdom of a 90 Year Old
So....my friend, Erin, forwarded this to me this morning. And a few of the lessons really stood out. There are 45 in total, but this is definitely worth reading every single word. I've put in bold the statements I most identify with...
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio. 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month.6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.12 It's OK to let your children see you cry.13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.21. Burn the candles, drink good wine, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'27. Always choose life.28. Forgive everyone everything.29. What other people think of you is none of your business.30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.33. Believe in miracles.34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.37. Your children get only one childhood.38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.40 If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.42. The best is yet to come.43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.44. Yield.45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio. 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month.6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.12 It's OK to let your children see you cry.13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.21. Burn the candles, drink good wine, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'27. Always choose life.28. Forgive everyone everything.29. What other people think of you is none of your business.30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.33. Believe in miracles.34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.37. Your children get only one childhood.38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.40 If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.42. The best is yet to come.43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.44. Yield.45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Miscellaneous Musings on a Sunday...
This is going to be a looooonnnng posting. Word to the wise: mostly heavy musings today.
Since Easter, I've started going to church again. At first it was because I liked the routine, and now I find that I look forward to hearing Father Van's message. I also find that the days I need it most, he speaks to whatever I'm struggling with.
I realize that I don't always live the life that God probably wants me to be living, but I'm pretty sure that's what forgiveness is about. We try, and fail, and try again. I liken Christianity to learning how to ride a bike. The second I think I'm good with God, I fall---the second we thought I'd be good without training wheels, I'd manage to end up sprawled out on the curb.
This morning Father Van quoted two authors---C.S. Lewis, and Rainer Maria Rilke. I was familiar with Lewis, but hadn't really ever read anything by Rilke. I have totally been missing out for the last 28 years of my life. The second he started to read the quotation by Rilke, I started crying. The last two years of my life haven't been easy, to put it lightly. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I've struggled with a lot of different things, and it hasn't been until the last nine months or so that I've finally started figuring it all out. I guess part of this posting is an apology to the people that I hurt during this time, and they may not even read this. I'm confident, though, that the two people I most want to know how sorry I am already know. Thank God for second chances. :)
I hate doubt and uncertainty, and that's a lot of what I'm dealing with right now. I find comfort in continuity and daily routine, which is why training for these shows has been so good for me during the last year. It seems like an overstatement, but it saved my life last year. Well....that and a few really important people.
I'm going to end this blog with a passage I just read about love by Rilke....I can't wait to start reading more of his poetry and love letters.
To love is good, too: love being difficult. For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. For this reason young people, who are beginners in everything, cannot yet know love: they have to learn it. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered close about their lonely, timid, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. But learning-time is always a long, secluded time, and so loving, for a long while ahead and far on into life, is--solitude, intensified and deepened loneness for him who loves. Love is at first not anything that means merging, giving over, and uniting with another (for what would a union be of something unclarified and unfinished, still subordinate--?), it is a high inducement to the individual to ripen, to become something in himself for another's sake, it is a great exacting claim upon him, something that chooses him out and calls him to vast things.
Since Easter, I've started going to church again. At first it was because I liked the routine, and now I find that I look forward to hearing Father Van's message. I also find that the days I need it most, he speaks to whatever I'm struggling with.
I realize that I don't always live the life that God probably wants me to be living, but I'm pretty sure that's what forgiveness is about. We try, and fail, and try again. I liken Christianity to learning how to ride a bike. The second I think I'm good with God, I fall---the second we thought I'd be good without training wheels, I'd manage to end up sprawled out on the curb.
This morning Father Van quoted two authors---C.S. Lewis, and Rainer Maria Rilke. I was familiar with Lewis, but hadn't really ever read anything by Rilke. I have totally been missing out for the last 28 years of my life. The second he started to read the quotation by Rilke, I started crying. The last two years of my life haven't been easy, to put it lightly. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I've struggled with a lot of different things, and it hasn't been until the last nine months or so that I've finally started figuring it all out. I guess part of this posting is an apology to the people that I hurt during this time, and they may not even read this. I'm confident, though, that the two people I most want to know how sorry I am already know. Thank God for second chances. :)
I hate doubt and uncertainty, and that's a lot of what I'm dealing with right now. I find comfort in continuity and daily routine, which is why training for these shows has been so good for me during the last year. It seems like an overstatement, but it saved my life last year. Well....that and a few really important people.
I'm going to end this blog with a passage I just read about love by Rilke....I can't wait to start reading more of his poetry and love letters.
To love is good, too: love being difficult. For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. For this reason young people, who are beginners in everything, cannot yet know love: they have to learn it. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered close about their lonely, timid, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. But learning-time is always a long, secluded time, and so loving, for a long while ahead and far on into life, is--solitude, intensified and deepened loneness for him who loves. Love is at first not anything that means merging, giving over, and uniting with another (for what would a union be of something unclarified and unfinished, still subordinate--?), it is a high inducement to the individual to ripen, to become something in himself for another's sake, it is a great exacting claim upon him, something that chooses him out and calls him to vast things.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Old-fashioned? Perhaps.
Today was the first time I've mown a lawn in....years. The first time EVER I've used a push mower. And...I kind of liked it. Granted, my yard isn't ginormous like my last place, and I'm sure that having to pick up pinecones and sticks so I don't sever my fingers on the blades may get old, but sometimes old-fashioned isn't too bad.
The more I think about it, the more I begin to realize that I was probably meant to be around in the 1940s. Besides the whole push-mower thing...most of my hobbies were more fashionable then---sewing, knitting, decorating, baking, cooking, and reading (maybe...I might get into gardening. Go crazy, right?). I love the fashion---dresses, heels, stockings with a seam up the back, cat-eye glasses. And I even like the cars better. But then I think about the things I wouldn't have---my computer (most importantly) and my crazy workouts, as well as some other essential items that have surfaced since that time period.
In any case, over the past year I've gotten a lot more comfortable in my skin...old-fashioned and all.
On a side note, Riley is going to get one amazing birthday cake. A rocket ship. Amazing. Hope he likes it as much as he liked...just the frosting on the cupcakes we made last weekend. Hard to believe he turned 5 yesterday. Too think I started taking care of him when he was only 7 weeks old...and now he acts like a wise old man. My two little loves---Riley and Madison. If I ever have kids, I only hope they're as fun and well...incredible as those two.
And yay! Finally, "The Hangover" opens tomorrow. I have high expectations, so here's hoping that the best parts weren't what they've been showing on previews. I hate it when that happens---Strange Wilderness being the most obvious movie that comes to mind. Ugh. THAT was a whole lot of awful, as was Don't Mess with the Zohan. The shortest amount of time I've ever devoted to watching a movie. Ugh. Skip that hot mess.
Today was back day, and while I love not having as much cardio, I totally miss it. :( I just have to keep reminding myself that JP knows what he's doing. But ACK! Time on my hands....
The more I think about it, the more I begin to realize that I was probably meant to be around in the 1940s. Besides the whole push-mower thing...most of my hobbies were more fashionable then---sewing, knitting, decorating, baking, cooking, and reading (maybe...I might get into gardening. Go crazy, right?). I love the fashion---dresses, heels, stockings with a seam up the back, cat-eye glasses. And I even like the cars better. But then I think about the things I wouldn't have---my computer (most importantly) and my crazy workouts, as well as some other essential items that have surfaced since that time period.
In any case, over the past year I've gotten a lot more comfortable in my skin...old-fashioned and all.
On a side note, Riley is going to get one amazing birthday cake. A rocket ship. Amazing. Hope he likes it as much as he liked...just the frosting on the cupcakes we made last weekend. Hard to believe he turned 5 yesterday. Too think I started taking care of him when he was only 7 weeks old...and now he acts like a wise old man. My two little loves---Riley and Madison. If I ever have kids, I only hope they're as fun and well...incredible as those two.
And yay! Finally, "The Hangover" opens tomorrow. I have high expectations, so here's hoping that the best parts weren't what they've been showing on previews. I hate it when that happens---Strange Wilderness being the most obvious movie that comes to mind. Ugh. THAT was a whole lot of awful, as was Don't Mess with the Zohan. The shortest amount of time I've ever devoted to watching a movie. Ugh. Skip that hot mess.
Today was back day, and while I love not having as much cardio, I totally miss it. :( I just have to keep reminding myself that JP knows what he's doing. But ACK! Time on my hands....
Monday, June 1, 2009
Some of this and a little of that
My favorite diet coping mechanism---baking. Weird. I know. I've totally gotten into baking pies. Tonight was Coconut Custard Pie. It smells like candy and is currently taunting me from the refrigerator. Tomorrow it will be gone, and I'm sure I'll come up with something else to bake. Sigh. Only 19 more days until pizza. Mmmm...crust. Tomato sauce. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.
Currently reading both "The Redbreast" as well as "Love Will Keep Us Apart." What can I say? I like to multi-task. Er...read more than one book at a time.
Watched "Taken" last night and for some reason, got the giggles and instead of taking it seriously, decided that I could definitely have a future as a spy or PBA (professional bad ass). Sure it may take years of practice, and I get squeamish about...pretty much everything...but I can dream. Blood makes me queasy, I'm a sympathy puker, and I very nearly pass out if I go more than hours without eating now. Guess the bad ass part will have to come with time...or never.
New line I heard at the gym today---"Are you a trainer? Or do you just look good?" Sigh. Really? The BEST you can come up with? It was a wee bit too early to come back with something good, so I shook my head no and kept on with the abs.
I decided that my favorite weather circumstance is a hot day followed by an electrical storm and lots of wind admired from the safety of inside the house with candles nearby. Not that that happened yet this year, but the wind this evening reminded me of how much I like cool breeze after a warm day.
And thanks to Kaiser for the company and eating the waffles.
For tomorrow...shoulders, incline walking, interview, possibly golf, more reading, maybe some baking....and definitely some loving on the babies. All of them.
Currently reading both "The Redbreast" as well as "Love Will Keep Us Apart." What can I say? I like to multi-task. Er...read more than one book at a time.
Watched "Taken" last night and for some reason, got the giggles and instead of taking it seriously, decided that I could definitely have a future as a spy or PBA (professional bad ass). Sure it may take years of practice, and I get squeamish about...pretty much everything...but I can dream. Blood makes me queasy, I'm a sympathy puker, and I very nearly pass out if I go more than hours without eating now. Guess the bad ass part will have to come with time...or never.
New line I heard at the gym today---"Are you a trainer? Or do you just look good?" Sigh. Really? The BEST you can come up with? It was a wee bit too early to come back with something good, so I shook my head no and kept on with the abs.
I decided that my favorite weather circumstance is a hot day followed by an electrical storm and lots of wind admired from the safety of inside the house with candles nearby. Not that that happened yet this year, but the wind this evening reminded me of how much I like cool breeze after a warm day.
And thanks to Kaiser for the company and eating the waffles.
For tomorrow...shoulders, incline walking, interview, possibly golf, more reading, maybe some baking....and definitely some loving on the babies. All of them.
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